If you do not know already, we are
expecting a sweet baby in July! We feel so blessed and are so thankful.
Everyone’s road to parenthood is different, some have similar stories or struggles,
but each unique in the way God planned.
Just a year ago today, Evan and I walked
in to the doctor’s office expecting to see what most expecting parents get to
see on an ultrasound – their sweet growing baby, and walked out feeling
defeated and hopeless. We were told what I had, was a blighted ovum, and that
even though everything else developed and was there, there was no baby. We were
devastated. In this diagnosis, the doctor said there is no way to know rather a
baby ever developed or not, but because I believe in life from conception. I
believe that our baby was there but is now in heaven, and that the first time
he/she was ever rocked, was in the arms of Jesus. I know that we will be
reunited again one day. I knew that from the beginning, and even though that
hope was there from the start, it didn’t mean that hard times weren’t ahead. I
went through the stages of grief. I grieved so much for the loss of our baby
and not only that, grieved for my pregnancy, the hope of being called mommy,
and hearing Daddy, and all the years ahead. I lost and grieved the lives we
could have had.
For the next 3 weeks I went in and out
of that same doctor’s office getting blood drawn, and ultrasounds done, only to
see that my HCG numbers were not lowering drastically, and my body still
thought I was pregnant. I was still in complete shock, and when I asked the nurse about
taking medication to help induce the passing of the sack, etc. she told me
continually that she thought I was on the downhill and that I should soon pass
it on my own.
Finally at the end of the three weeks I was
coming out of the shock and was ready to move on and to help myself grieve the
proper way, I needed to not be pregnant anymore…I scheduled an appointment with
another doctor. At the end of February I
met with her and we went over the past month. I cried to her and told her I needed
to move on. She was very comforting and
suggested that I take medication or schedule a D&C. I felt very uneasy
about both, but it was clear that my body wasn’t miscarrying as it should. I
told her I wanted to think about it. I decided that taking medication was the
least invasive and it would work best for me.
The first week in March, I took the
Friday off work, took the medicine the night before and expected my weekend to
be very painful, agonizing and scary (you know, all the horror stories I read
about that medicine on the internet). Well…NOTHING HAPPENED. NOT.A.THING. I was
relieved in a way, but I knew what this meant. I could try the medicine again,
and possibly WAIT more, or go ahead and schedule the D&C. When I called my
doctor on Monday she gave me those options. I decided that for the health of my
body and my sanity I couldn’t wait any longer. I asked about scheduling a
D&C and to my surprise she could do it that Wednesday. My mom did what mothers do and rushed up on
the Tuesday night before to take me to the hospital, make sure I was well then
left Wednesday afternoon once I was settled at home, right before Ev got home
from work to take care of me. I called in sick the rest of the week to work and
rested. The surgery overall went well, but we knew something wasn't quite right because
the doctor had discussed with my mom that she had “found something” and was going
to discuss it with me at my follow up visit.
Two weeks later, I walked in to my
follow-up visit with my doctor, thinking I was going to hear…”Great news, go
ahead and get started on trying to have another baby”. Yah, that’s not what I heard.
The “something” she found, was what she thought at the time was a misshaped
uterus….heart-shaped to be exact…how cute right? Ummm...no….Whoa? What? So NOW I had to wait until I got my period so
they could do a HSG test...which is basically an x-ray of your uterus to see
how its formed and if your tubes work well (that’s the pleasant way of putting
it at least).
Do you see a pattern? WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.
Who knows when I’ll get my period is all
I could think about. (Sorry guys)!
So we went on vacation to Mexico that we
planned with some of our good friends.
I feel like I should intersect here and
tell you what I was feeling up to this point:
I was bitter.
I was angry.
I was jealous that everyone else’s journey to a baby seemed so easy.
I was mad at my body for tricking me.
I felt inadequate as a woman.
I felt frustrated, because I was still grieving and I knew not
everyone around me understood.
I was getting really sick and tired of hearing people tell me “you’re
next” or “when will you have a baby”.
But, I continued to pray that through this
journey of loss and hurt, that my pain and my miscarriage and my struggle I was
going through would bring glory to God.
Now back to Mexico (mid-April), I
brought a book with me to read, given to me by my sister called Hannah’s Hope.
I dove into it every single day while lying of the gorgeous Playa Mujeres
beach.
IT WAS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
I spent my days literally reading,
reflecting, and talking to God about what he showed me through this book. There were so many pages I marked to remember,
but this one I jotted down in my notes on my phone:
Prayed for my miscarriage/struggle to have a baby
to bring glory to God, for God to use me in this trial. On 4/20 read page
126 of Hannah's hope. The verse John 9:2-3, stated how the blind man was born
blind so that God might be displayed in his life.
Wow. So that God might be displayed in
his life. So that God might be displayed in MY life?
Obviously I wasn’t born blind this is a
totally different struggle. I can’t even compare the two.
But the similarity here is the STUGGLE
in itself allows us to see God, and have others see him in our life.
I came back refreshed. The pain was
still there, but that was what I needed. I was thankful that this trip was
scheduled on January 5 (the day I found out I was pregnant). God is in details, people.
Back
from vacation…..and I got my period a week later, and I had the HSG test on May
3. Everything seemed to be normal, and I was so excited because it meant we
could try again for a baby, BUT then my dr. called me the next week and informed
me they found a polyp or fibroid in my uterus and that I needed to see a
fertility specialist about having surgery to remove it.
Fertility Specialist….if I have to…
SO then I wait to get in to the
fertility clinic.
Got in with an appointment to the
specialist on May 21 and he scheduled my surgery for the removal June 14. My
doctor mentioned that since I have a high chance of endometriosis because my
mom and sis both had it, that we should go ahead and do laparoscopic surgery
for that too while I was under, I said no at first, then decided if that was an
issue, I didn’t want to be back in surgery in a month or…even a year later. Evan was there with me. When I came out of
surgery, Evan told me the doctor wasn't able to remove the polyp because they
couldn't get my cervix dilated and perforated my uterus in the process of
trying to get the procedure to work. I
was ANGRY. I started crying immediately at the thought of waiting longer and
having to be back in surgery again. What happened to that “specialist” part of
his title? This was supposed to work and we were supposed to have a baby in 9
months right?
Removing endometriosis was a success
thankfully, but then came the fear of worrying if I can have a baby, the fear
of worrying if in a surgery something was damaged, or just finding that something
worse is happening with my body. And all
those feelings I had before….welp they became stronger than ever….
I was BITTER.
I was ANGRY.
I was jealous that everyone else’s journey to a baby seemed SO EASY.
I was mad at my body for tricking me.
I felt inadequate as a woman.
I felt frustrated, because I was STILL grieving and I knew not
everyone around me understood.
I was getting really sick and tired of hearing people tell me “you’re
next” or “when will you have a baby”.
But, I continued to pray that through this journey of loss and hurt,
that my pain and my miscarriage and my struggle I was going through would bring
glory to God.
Then one Sunday morning while still in
bed, I prayed and sang to God “I need thee every hour” with an aching heart and
heavy burden I passionately prayed for God to show his power and remove the
polyp.
At the end of July I went in for the fertility
specialist to check the status of the polyp via ultrasound. It was gone.
Nothing there. He tried to do a few things in office to check it a more
invasive way but after discovering how uniquely designed my 90 degree angle
cervix is(no, it really is…he said I had the most difficult cervix he’s seen in
30 or so years…ummm...cool!), he decided to take it for what it was, and check
it in a couple of months. But you guys, he said those words I was ready to hear
over the past 6 months…”go ahead and start trying again.”
I told him I prayed for the polyp to be
gone and leapt out of that stinky office happier than ever!
Fast forward to September…This month was
hard. After all my due date was September 13. A day I will never ever forget
and will always be special and hard at the same time.
I found this on my phone that I jotted
down on September 1:
I need the every hour
was sung at church, it brought me back to my aching heart in the midst of
prayer and I sang those words to passionately, and again this morning, I sang
them so passionate Bc my need was still so deep for The Lord. "Bless me
Lord my savior, I need thee!”
Julie and Julia - Julia child’s reads a letter from her sister that she is pregnant and she says as her voice begins to crack and tears begin to flow," I'm so happy."
Julie and Julia - Julia child’s reads a letter from her sister that she is pregnant and she says as her voice begins to crack and tears begin to flow," I'm so happy."
It's hard to explain
the hurt that you can't experience the same, but yet still happy for others. I
couldn't help but sob when that scene was on. My heart hurt for her and the
feelings she had felt, and brought me back to so many times of hearing of the
joy of friends and family having babies, beings so happy and yet so hard to
face at the same time.
As the pastor said in church today - that's the thing about trials and grief, it puts us on the same level playing field. No I didn't know her, no I'm not even sure it that scene happened in real life but I can relate with her hurt.
As the pastor said in church today - that's the thing about trials and grief, it puts us on the same level playing field. No I didn't know her, no I'm not even sure it that scene happened in real life but I can relate with her hurt.
Most of our journey was very private. Our immediate family, and some
close friends knew, but other than that because we didn’t know what our outcome
would be, this needed to be something that we guarded with our heart. It surprised
me when and who I would share things with at certain points, maybe it was
something that person needed to hear, or maybe it was just that my heart was
aching at that time and I needed someone to talk to.
This part of the story minimal new about, and some of my immediate family
will even be surprised, and I’m sorry for not sharing with you, but this was
too painful, I couldn't stand to see pity in your eyes, even though you would have
loved to comfort me. I couldn’t deal with it. It was better dealt with alone.
On September 7, I woke up….and I felt PREGNANT…so even though I knew my
period was a week away. I was dying to take a test. I took it and to my surprise
it was POSITIVE!!! I was so excited. Evan was already at the razorback game
with some friends and I was meeting up with him around lunch. I couldn’t wait
to tell him when I got there. He was just as happy!
The 13th was my due date from my first pregnancy. A day I knew
would be hard but always thought it would be easier if I were expecting again.
On the 12th I started bleeding. It was one of those times where you
stop and say “Really God, but why today? This is like salt in my wounds!” When I
called the doctor to let them know they wanted me to wait until the next week
to check my HCG levels, but go ahead and get me started on progesterone. You can
imagine that that Friday the 13th was much worse than I could have
ever imagined. I was grieving the fact that I wasn’t holding my first baby and
feared I was miscarrying my second.
The next week the doctor told me that I had experienced a chemical
pregnancy. My HCG got just high enough to get a positive pregnancy test, and
then once my levels dropped my period came.
Then came the time to see the Fertility Specialist again for that dreaded
polyp checkup. Polyp was still gone to our amazement! (Thank you JESUS)!
Although he questioned if I was ovulating…I kind of doubted this, because
hello, I had just gotten pregnant. But I played along and had my blood drawn
for the millionth time and it came back and my results were good. I had
ovulated and thankfully (nothing against the doctor) I didn’t have to go back
to that clinic again!!!
My OBGYN wanted me to start taking progesterone during the luteal phase
of my period in case low progesterone was an issue for me in holding onto a
pregnancy.
For the next two months I did just that.
The first week of November, a few days out from my expected period, I felt
pregnant. I wanted to take a test, but Evan urged me not to because he didn’t
want us to have to go through the same experience as last time….but I did it
anyway. He had told me that he didn’t want to know the results. So I took the test
on the morning of November 5, got a positive, went to work and mentioned
nothing of it to Evan. That afternoon when we both got home he asked me about
it, and I said…well you said you don’t want to know, so I’m not telling you. He
urged me to tell him of course and I showed him a picture of the positive test.
It was so different than the first time, and the second time. We hugged and
said well, here we go. We were fearful. Our innocence was gone.
I continued on progesterone, and my numbers were good. I got called to
see if I wanted to go have an ultrasound right before thanksgiving. I called
Evan and told him and he rushed to meet me there.
The ultrasound at 7 weeks and listening for the heartbeat at 13 weeks
were two of the scariest moments of my life I think. Because of our past
experience, not seeing anything on the ultrasound, and then not hearing anything
on the Doppler were my biggest fears. But our baby was healthy and growing both
times. I still have fears, and I still worry, I know so much of that is motherhood beginning.
On the way to our appointment to listen to our baby's heartbeat, I was in agony. Literal tears driving there. I was so nervous. I just wanted our baby to be okay...and do you know what song came on the radio? Yep.
Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher
"Lord, I need You, Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need thee"
I literally balled as I sang along. Again, he is in details.
I couldn’t be more excited about this sweet little blessing growing
inside of me. He/she is worth everything that we went through.
I know my journey is NOTHING compared to what other people go through. You
would be surprised how many women that walk down the road of infertility or
loss and no one knows. I’m thankful for those women who have shared their
stories publicly or with me individually. It gave me hope when I felt like I didn’t
have any and that’s why I wanted to share mine. Unfortunately not everyone’s
journey has the happiest of endings. Some end in joyful things like a pregnancy
or adoption, but not all do. I still think talking about it and sharing helps
us each know we aren’t alone. There were times when I was completely surrounded
by family and friends that I loved, and never felt more alone in my life because
I was aching inside. A holy ache…living between hope and reality.
In Hannah’s Hope, Jennifer Saake
shares about her miscarriage loss, adoption loss and struggle with infertility
for years as she compares it to how the Old Testament character Hannah must
have felt as she struggled to have a baby during a time when children were seen
as a blessing from God.
I really want to encourage you to read this book if you are struggling
with any of these issues. Just hearing another woman talk about all the same
things you are thinking, but feel guilty saying out loud, that alone was a
relief to me.
It helped me to realize:
It’s okay that I’m going to grieve.
I may never heal until we have a baby, whether
that is through me carrying a child, or through adoption and even after that their still may not be full healing.
This sucks. Period. It sucks.
Just because I grieve and hurt still it doesn’t
mean I’m not trusting in God’s plan.
Even if I’m never a mother on earth, I am a
mother figure to someone, and after I experienced my miscarriages I knew I was a
mother in heaven. There were so many times I wanted to scream that to people
when they would ask us about having a baby. I wanted to tell them that it’s not
easy for everyone to just “have a baby”. I had to constantly remind myself that
those questions and comments are coming from someone that never walked this
road, but their struggles are different and made me realize how being sensitive
to others is so important no matter what the situation.
Things to
remember not to say if you know someone dealing with the struggle to have
children or have lost children:
“Just don’t think about it so much and it’ll happen.”
“You’re lucky. We would love to have some time without our kids!”
“If you wouldn’t get so stressed out about it, maybe...”
“I know exactly how you feel, it took us two months to conceive.”
“You can have a couple of my kids!”
“I’m having another boy. I was hoping for a girl.”
“This was an accident. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the summertime.”
“I can just lay in the same bed with my husband and get pregnant!”
“Maybe God doesn’t want you to have children for some reason.”
“Do you just not want kids?”
“Have you tried....”
“You’re Lucky, you don’t have to take the pill.”
“How much does it cost to do......(in vitro, artificial insemination, etc.)”
I wanted to
share my story. I’m sorry it was so very long, there were so many details that I
left out, but I know that through this God made this His story. It was about
him and it was about bring glory to him. I’m thankful for the work He has done
in my life and the sensitive heart he has now given me for this.
To those of
you struggling, I’m sorry that you have to go through this. It sucks and there
is no other way to put it. I pray for you and you are on my heart.